


I’ve Lived in Exulansis

by mashisims



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bellamy and Murphy, Bellamy finds Murphy's diary, Eventual Fluff, I mean, It's Not Exactly Angst, M/M, Murphy is an actual puppy, a lot of fluff, but it feels angsty, ya feel me?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-26
Updated: 2017-02-07
Packaged: 2018-09-20 00:26:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 17,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9467291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mashisims/pseuds/mashisims
Summary: Murphy and Bellamy are closer than they used to be; Bellamy thinks war makes people bond, and it sure did for them, but Murphy has tried his best not to show any real emotion to Bellamy, to hide everything he feels and wants. So, when Bellamy finds a secret journal Murphy had been writing in for quite some time, he doesn't expect to find the most valuable, raw and true feelings Murphy has been keeping from him.





	1. The Grass Isn’t Greener on That Side

**Author's Note:**

> "Exulansis"  
> \- Giving up trying to talk about your experiences and your life's most scary demons because you know no one can relate to them

Bellamy felt somewhat stupid; maybe even a little pathetic. Sitting on an old, unstable, silver chair next to a bunch of wood, spaceship remains and boxes, all stacked up under a small amount of blankets, simulating a bed; the bed where Murphy currently laid, unconscious, with the ghost of his devilish grin still roaming around his face.

Bellamy felt not only stupid, but also extremely, uncontrollably, sadly pathetic. He had all those feelings for the boy next to him, all the time. Feelings that went from frustration, anger, and irritation, to warmth and fondness, and in the good days he could almost admit to himself that he felt some sort of serenity when they spent time together. He had all those feelings, and he knew Murphy didn’t share most of them. Sometimes he was so cold and hostile, and some other times, just when Bellamy thought he had gotten through him, Murphy threw some bomb of distrustfulness toward Bellamy, which would make him feel like he was failing as the person he wanted to be for him, and for his friends and his people as well, certainly.

Murphy had showed him several times that his feelings for Bellamy weren’t as developed and as deep as his were, and Bellamy knew it. He was well aware of his tragic situation, yet he was still sitting next to him, carefully observing his breathing, studying the features of his face as if he were to forget them somehow, refusing to leave and hoping with all his strength that Murphy would be fine, even when he most likely would. He felt pathetic.

Bellamy hadn’t been surprised when he heard Murphy had left Arkadia in the middle of the night to find some trouble, or, to let trouble find him, as usual. He wasn’t surprised when he came back the next evening and walked through the gates, behind Kane and the rest of the outside guards as a little kid who had just been busted. And when Abby asked Jackson to check his wounds, and he rested his body on top of one of those much improvised beds after a long fight with _relatively innocent_ grounders, he closed his eyes and fell asleep for hours. A big amount of hours. Bellamy wasn’t surprised with that either, he was just… disappointed.

He began to feel a little mad when he began to realize that he wanted to be the person Murphy would trust. He wanted to be someone Murphy could find peace in, someone he would rather stay up all night with, talking about irrelevant things, than to walk around wanting trouble to find him. But he wasn’t that person. Not to Murphy.

One more quick glance at Murphy’s calm expression and he stood up, done with his thoughts, done with his self-torture. He walked away from Murphy and continued to walk, observing the other patients, but stopping for no one.

As soon as he reached the end of their, again, much improvised infirmary, he debated between going back to sitting next to Murphy and let everyone know how pathetic he was, or get out and get some air.

He was grateful when Jackson approached him and kept him from making such decision.

“Hey, Bellamy” Jackson greeted with a smile.

“Hi” Bellamy kind of smiled back.

“Do you think you could do something for me?” Jackson asked, and continued before Bellamy could even reply. “John has been out for almost half a day now-”

Bellamy couldn’t believe he had been sitting down and observing Murphy for twelve hours. He surely felt annoyed with himself.

“-and he’ll probably wake up soon, could you bring him some clean clothes for him so he can change when he wakes up?” He threw another smile at Bellamy.

“Sure” He responded.

“Great, thank you”

Jackson left, and Bellamy mentally slapped himself for not even hesitating about doing something for Murphy. Then he heavily sighed and left the infirmary. He knew his brain would never even try to be mean to Murphy, not after everything they had been through together.

On his way to Murphy’s quarter, he continued his torturing monologue. He had just decided he wasn’t going to think about him anymore, but he couldn’t stop. He couldn’t understand how, after everything, the boy was still so… nonchalant. War made people work together, fight for a common cause, a mutual benefit, it made people bond somehow, and he was sure he had bonded with Murphy. After getting back to being friends, they would spend an awful lot of time together; not that they had romantic dinners looking at the stars or that they had found themselves in compromising positions, not at all, but it still felt like they had become something more. Something else than friends.

Murphy kept his clothes in a backpack, he didn’t have as many to keep them in boxes or drawers. Not like anyone else had a whole wardrobe to choose outfits from, but he still had fewer than most people in the camp, so choosing from three very similar shirts and two equally outworn trousers wasn’t hard.

Bellamy knew he would probably have to also bring him clean underwear and socks, but to be honest, he didn’t know if he owned any. He had to admit, that in their situation, in a post-apocalyptic and currently disputable planet, ordinary things he would’ve done in the Ark, like wearing a fresh pair of underwear every day, could be forgotten or set aside more that often.

However, he still searched around the room, trying to find some more clean clothing. Murphy’s room was probably just as boring, sad and preoccupying as his and everyone else’s in Arkadia; no real, personal stuff, just clothes, blankets, boxes, weapons… Eventually, Bellamy peeked at one of the boxes in the corner of the room and stopped when he saw it wasn’t empty.

* * *

 

Setting the clothes aside, Bellamy held the notebook with both hands, allowing the curiosity to eat every part of him that was against invading personal property. Slowly, he started going through it.

Some of the first pages were blank, and some had careless scribbles in the center. He continued going through the rest of the notebook, and he stopped passing the pages when he finally met with some unpolished handwriting, which possibly belonged to Murphy. Some of the words were crossed out, and some were written on top of others, making them almost unrecognizable. When the curiosity got the best of him, he started reading the first phrases.

_My name is john murphy._

There were more crossed out words after that.

_Maybe just murphy. The crazy lady in the ark once said something about writing down my emotions and some shit like that. I don’t know why I’m doing it._

Before Bellamy could read anymore, he quickly went through the rest of the pages, only to find that there were more, so many more things written in them. He closed the notebook and stared at the torn cover for a second. He shouldn’t be reading that. As soon as he read the word _emotion_ , he knew it must’ve been extremely personal to Murphy. Who was he to invade his privacy that way?

Instead, he got to his feet, with the notebook still in his hand, and grabbed Murphy’s clothes with the other. He headed out of the room and into the infirmary.

As soon as he reached the side table of Murphy’s bed, he left the clothes on it, and placed the notebook on top of the clothes. He eyed the chair he had been sitting on for the last twelve hours, and right after thinking about sitting down, the rage of his previous thoughts began to regain their place, so Bellamy left again, before he could let himself start another sad monologue inside his head.

He knew he had to get some change of perspective if he wanted to stop himself from thinking about Murphy, so he decided to wander off and find some duty he could get his hands on.

Eventually, he found Kane, and asked if there was anything he could do to prepare for the expedition they’d be launching the next day, but he assured he had everything under control.

“I’m sure Jackson and Abby could use some help in the hospital wing, why don’t you go and take a look?” Kane had suggested with a big smile plastered on his face, and Bellamy had to fake one in return. That had been real helpful.

Bellamy turned around, slightly rolling his eyes and breathing deeply, harshly releasing a big, not-sonorous sigh, and began to walk.

He hadn’t gotten far enough to reach anywhere in particular when Octavia had caught sight of him and screamed his name. He slowly reached out, but she got to him first, as she was almost running, wearing her face war-paint and carrying her usual weapons.

“What are you doing?” She asked, a little breathless, showing her concern.

“Nothing” He announced casually as he shrugged.

“Yeah, I see that” She laughed. “I mean, why aren’t you doing anything?”

Bellamy seemed taken aback by her question. “What?” He asked confused, sounding maybe a little annoyed and offended as if Octavia had just accused him of being a couch potato.

Octavia probably caught a piece of Bellamy’s thoughts. “I mean, you’re always watching the fence, or in the tower, or out harassing grounders, and now you’ve been inside that place all day” She pointed at the infirmary.

Bellamy shrugged again, losing the eye contact with his sister. All he wanted was to get away for a while, and he kept being pushed back to Murphy and his massive one-sided crush.

“That’s it? A shrug?” Octavia pointed out.

“What do you want me to say, Octavia?” He added, tilting his head to the side and making his words sound as if he was tired.

“Woah, what’s with the attitude?” She exclaimed with an annoyed expression. In return, her brother sighed and looked at the ground. “Nothing, I-”

Octavia softened her features, and gave Bellamy _a look_. She waited for him to continue, but when he decided he’d better keep looking at the ground in silence, she spoke. “Okay, what’s going on?”

Bellamy made a soft growling noise under his breath before lifting up his gaze to look at Octavia.

“Okay” He let out, and then waited a little longer to continue talking; still debating between give in and keep making Murphy his only topic of conversation and center of thought, and leaving Octavia thinking he was, indeed, in a bad mood and going to find his new distraction. “Sit, come on”

He placed his hand on Octavia’s back and led her to a cut log they used as a bench, near the electrified fence. They both sat down, Octavia impatiently looking at Bellamy, and the poor guy looking at his intertwined hands as he lazily bent his body forward.

“I’ve been… watching over Murphy” He admitted slowly. “After Kane found him and brought him back, I tried to talk to him, but he said we’d talk later, and then he fell asleep and he hasn’t woken up yet”

“…okay?” Octavia asked, closing one of her eyes in confusion. “Is that it?”

Bellamy looked at her. “No, I-

“Are you afraid he’s not gonna wake up? He didn’t seem that bad, he just received a few bad punches, he’ll be fi-”

“No, it’s not that” Bellamy interrupted. “Well, partially, yeah, but no, it’s not that”

“Then what is it?”

He sighed again. “I went to find some clothes for him, to his quarter, for when he wakes up, and I found this sort of… notebook, a diary, I guess, and I took it, and-”

It was time for Octavia to interrupt. “You’re reading his diary? Murphy’s diary? That’s so messed up!”

“I-”

“That boy doesn’t even talk about the kind of food he likes best”

“I know, and that’s why I was curious to begin with” He defended himself. Actually, it was more of an explanation, because he did know it wasn’t right.

“Still, Bellamy” She was annoyed. “I thought you liked him”

“I do! And that’s exactly why I was so tempted, he just never tells me anything, and sometimes he acts like he likes me back, and some other times like I’m just anybody else”

Octavia gave him another disapproving look.

“I know it’s not right, and I don’t know if I want to continue reading anymore”

“You shouldn’t” She said firmly. “Go put it back”

Bellamy thought about arguing some more, but opted for staring back at her, trying to say something, yet at the same time, say nothing else.

“Go!” She exclaimed, with a bit of desperation, pointing at the quarters’ section.

“Okay, I’ll put it back!” Bellamy returned. He stood up, with his hands over his head in surrender and heading back to the infirmary. Once there, he avoided thinking too much about the boy laying in front of him and took the notebook. He then proceeded to leave the room and headed to Murphy’s quarter.

He, however, stopped halfway and headed directly back to the infirmary, because not so deeply and not so secretly, he knew he had no intention of giving it back.

* * *

 

Bellamy grabbed Murphy’s journal and proceeded to sit down next to the boy once again. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t feel a little guilty by even having _that_ in his possession. Murphy had never given him permission to read any of it. In fact, he hadn’t even told him about the existence of that journal. However, Bellamy did feel somewhat hopeful, like right there, inside that little notebook, was the hidden Murphy he was so keen to meet.

Bellamy wanted to know what could possibly go through the mind of that so confusing kid.

So he opened it, and continued reading almost immediately.

_My name is john murphy. Maybe just murphy. The crazy lady in the ark once said something about writing down my emotions and some shit like that. I don’t know why I’m doing it._

_I found this thing in the grounder village we visited last night with a bunch of other useless stuff and the first thing I thought when I saw it was to write in it and it is really stupid._

_My last evil act of the night was to sneak into the grounders’ tents and take stuff for myself while my friends were trying to make peace._

_People are so lucky to have me as their friend._

Bellamy smiled with a kind of sadness at the words, and then he looked up and watched Murphy, still fast asleep. The boy’s words were hard to read, a lot messier than he remembered his own handwriting to be, there was no phrase that lasted more than five words without having one or two unreadable doodles getting in the way, but somehow, he could still sense the sarcasm and the self-deception Murphy felt.

The next pages contained more crossed out words and tiny stories about Murphy being thankful for having a relatively safe and stable shelter. “ _It’s not the best place on earth, it kind of feels like I’m back in space and we’re all living in the ark all over again, but at least no one has really tried to kill me yet”_ And Bellamy couldn’t relate more.

Maybe Bellamy shouldn’t be reading the journal after all. It was not right. So, instead of continuing to read, he just passed the pages one more time, subconsciously admiring how Murphy’s handwriting got neater almost by the passing of the words. His need for crossing words and filling the pages with _‘I don’t know_ ’ or ‘ _some shit like that_ ’ continued to decrease, and Bellamy’s need to smile could only get bigger.

He continued not-reading the journal, and he was almost sure he wanted to close it shut, when he suddenly stopped at the sight of his name written down.

There was no guilt, no curiosity, no anger, and no sense of invading Murphy’s personal space. He just wanted to know. He wanted to know everything Murphy had to say about him.

_...I hadn’t felt this tired and disgusted since I had to pump ontari’s disgusting heart expecting none of those chipped controlled grounders would kill me in the meantime._

_I had forgotten how done I was and today I remembered and it sucks._

_I really just wanted to lock myself in my quarter and not get out all week, that was until Bellamy came by and asked if I was alright, like he always does, and I guess I realized that if I were to hide for a whole week, I wouldn’t have been able to see him._

_I guess I would miss his stupid ass._

Bellamy smiled at the memory of that day, when one encounter with the grounders had gotten too messy and it had become a little too much to handle for everyone. That day, he could’ve sworn that Murphy was just unimpressed, used to the massacre, just another day on the ground, and then he learnt that he had in fact been suffering just as much as everyone else, he was just as done as everyone else, and the only thing that could make him want to keep going was Bellamy.

The journal had a few more stories about grounder attacks and tough days in “ _The Ark 2.0_ ”, and he enjoyed to read them and remember those days he thought were already lost in the back of his head. Bellamy realized Murphy didn’t write every day, as far as he was concerned, the stories and the days he wrote about were fairly away from each other, as if he only wrote about the things that would stick out the most to him.

_Tonight was the first time in a very long time the remaining delinquents were all together. It’s so weird to think that we were once a hundred._

_The night was noisy and very animated, not like those nights when Jaha or Kane say it’s too dangerous to stay up late._

_I was really tired, and I wanted to go to bed, but everyone else was and I soon realized that if I stayed, I would most likely stay alone with Bellamy._

_Being with Bellamy when we are around everyone else is nice, but being with Bellamy by myself is something I can’t explain._

Bellamy continued reading Murphy’s journal, having forgotten long ago the feeling of guilt, slowing down his reading and smiling every time his name came up. He probably re-read the same stories more than once, because he loved how it made him feel. He looked at Murphy every once in a while, in between entries of the journal, every time he read that Murphy enjoyed his company, every time he read things that Murphy had never personally said to him.

That was what the deal was about. Murphy never said anything to Bellamy. He never said too many things at all. When they shared a moment and Murphy didn’t even try to acknowledge it, Bellamy thought he was just uninterested, oblivious to the strength of the situation, but he was in reality, screaming inside, trying to cope with his own emotions and with himself. Bellamy wondered how much he thought of him, and how good he was at hiding his feelings.

“Bellamy!”

His sight parted from the journal and turned to face Jackson, who was walking straight toward them.

“Have you brought the clothes yet?”

“Yeah” Bellamy answered, pointing at the stack of clothes on the table. Jackson looked over, following the direction of his finger.

“Great”

As soon as Jackson saw the clothes, the slight smile he was wearing disappeared completely as he stared deeply at Murphy.

“Wait, he hasn’t woken up yet?”

Bellamy mimicked Jackson’s worried expression. “No” They both looked at Murphy.

“Is that bad?” Bellamy asked with so much concern in his voice Jackson had to soften his stare a bit. Bellamy carefully placed the journal on the chair he had been sitting on and followed Jackson as he got closer to Murphy’s side.

“Not necessarily” Jackson finally replied as he carefully opened Murphy’s eyes and checked them quickly.

“Then what does that mean?” Bellamy asked, definitely panicking.

“I can’t be certain, not if we don’t run some tests first”

“I thought you had already done that”

“Yeah, but something’s probably not right, we’ll have to do some more” Jackson mildly explained. “I mean, he _was_ beat up pretty bad”

Bellamy made a face that must’ve showed too much emotion, since Jackson turned around completely to face him and placed his hand on his shoulder. “Don’t worry, he’s going to be fine” Bellamy smiled lightly and nodded, trying to believe it at all costs.

* * *

 

Bellamy came back after the extra tests were done and he pulled his chair closer to Murphy, sitting down and grabbing his journal once again. He read, stared and smiled at Murphy, read some more, worry, and then he read some more.

_Jasper and Monty found some unlabeled bottles of alcohol in those secret compartments only the council has access too. If the Ark laws applied down here they’d be dead by now._

_Those guys took advantage that we all hang more and got us all drunk, it felt kind of fun when I was at it, but the next morning not so much._

_Anyway, when I accompanied Bellamy to his quarter, it seemed like a pretty obvious idea to kiss him. I kissed Bellamy, and it was great, but when I woke up this morning I couldn’t believe I had._

_He’s been trying to bring it up all day, and I’ve just been pretending I don’t remember._

_I suck. I don’t know how to deal with this._

Bellamy, feeling shocked, and also touched at what he had just witnessed, looked up at Murphy, knowing the expression in his face hadn’t changed one bit, but still admiring every single feature. He remembered that day so freshly, how he had let Murphy drink all he wanted because maybe he’d speak some truths to him that he wouldn’t on a normal day. He also remembered how trashy he felt when, even if Murphy had kissed him, he didn’t remember any of it, and he couldn’t find a way to just tell him it had happened. But then, he knew.

Eventually, all the reading became too much, and he had to stand up, pace around the room, go outside for a couple of seconds and finally giving into the sensation of needing to know more.

_…now it’s everything I think about. I want to kiss him all the time, every single day, and I know he wants me to kiss him too. Why can’t I just do it…_

 

_Kane took Bellamy to a mission in a grounder village, and they were gone for days. I was dead worried, I couldn’t stop thinking about him, I don’t how’d I cope if something bad happened to him, but when he came back and gave me one of those smiles, I just gave him a fucking pat on the shoulder and said ‘welcome’. FUCKING WELCOME._

_When I saw him walking straight to me I swear I wanted to run to the guy and kiss the hell out of him, but I only said welcome. That’s so stupid._

_By now Bellamy probably thinks I’m not worth the trouble, he’s kind of stopped being as touchy as he was before, and he’s still so stupidly charming. I miss the casual touching, I was so good at pretending it didn’t mean anything and enjoying it in silence, and now I’m not so sure I can be as good at pretending I acknowledge its absence. I’ve been so mean to him, and he is stopping to feel for me._

_I know I don’t think too much of myself, but why would anyone else?_

 

Bellamy felt a tear beginning to drop, and he cleaned it quickly before it could land on the journal. Something about knowing for the first time about the other side of his tragic romantic story made him feel very uneasy. Murphy wasn’t as cold and hostile as he had accused him of being, and that made his brain pop with a lot of new emotions.

Not too long after, Jackson came back, and Bellamy got to his feet almost immediately.

“…so?” He asked. Jackson stopped walking when he was face to face with Bellamy, letting out a long sigh.

“It’s possible his injuries are a lot more serious and deeper than we had first thought” Jackson began, and Bellamy’s eyes were wide open. “For all we know, he could have some internal bleeding somewhere”

“Internal bleeding?” Bellamy repeated in disbelief. “How do you fix that? And why would that be keeping him from waking up?”

“It must be taking too much energy away from him, that’s why he’s still unconscious” Jackson motioned a ‘calm down’ with his hands for Bellamy. “And some internal bleedings stop on their own”

“What about the ones that don’t?”

“Then in those cases, they could require surgery”

“Surgery?” Bellamy repeated, a little too elated.

“Wait” Jackson suggested with those hand motions again. “We still don’t know if he’s going to need it, which he probably won’t, let’s just wait for a couple more hours, okay?”

“But, what if-” Bellamy began.

“Then we’ll deal with it, but for now, you’ll just have to wait” Jackson interrupted him. “He’s going to be alright” He reassured him, earning a big sigh and a nod from Bellamy.

Jackson smiled one more time and proceeded to check Murphy’s vitals again. While he was doing his doctor stuff, as he had already decided to leave that kind of worrying to him, he resumed his previous activity in the chair next to Murphy.

_This morning Clarke asked me if I had seen Bellamy, and I jumped and exploded because I didn’t want her to think I was the person who would always know where Bellamy Blake is. All this overreacting and being extra defensive might give me away at some point. I should be more careful._

Bellamy did remember one or two times Murphy had said “I’m not Bellamy’s nanny” at someone who would ask about him. He smiled and laughted as well. They did spend a lot of time together, people were bound to think stuff, and it was okay, nobody cared. It looked like the only person who was against them together was Murphy himself.

_Bellamy and I stayed up together, alone, until very late at night, and I was so tired I kinda failed at looking uninterested when he was telling me about his young life in the Ark, hell, I think I even looked like I wanted to know everything about him, and that’s because I felt like I wanted to._

_When he talked about his mom and his memories of their short life when Octavia didn’t exist and they didn’t need to hide all the time, his eyes lit up so nice, and I wanted to kiss him so bad, and then he asked me about my family, and I told him, like, ME, I really did tell him about my parents and Jaha, and everything, and he listened to every word I had to say._

_I don’t know what this is going to become. Bellamy makes me feel things I hadn’t felt before, and he treats me like no one has before, and last night he said something no one had ever said to me before. Bellamy said I could always count on him._

_After I got to my quarter I think I lost it, and I stared at the ceiling for what was left of the night, because then I knew, and I really want to say it, I want to scream it, and I’m afraid of how it might sound out loud, I’m afraid of my own voice, I am even afraid of how it may look on paper, but I want to say it, I need to say it._

_I’m just stupid in love with Bellamy Blake._

* * *

 

Murphy was stupid in love with Bellamy Blake. He couldn’t get the words out of his head, and he suddenly found himself in a kind of anxious situation he had never experienced before.

Bellamy had the idea that when the person people have deep feelings about says _the “l” word_ , it should be said back, something must be done about it, but all Bellamy could do was switch stares from the journal, where he could read that phrase over and over again, and a very unconscious Murphy, and he wasn’t even sure if he was ever going to wake up. He was feeling so much, it seemed like he wasn’t feeling anything at all; so many emotions, so many thoughts, and so many things he wanted to say and do, packed up inside in an only human body, led to a man with a blank, stiff expression.

There was one thing Bellamy was sure about. He wanted to see Murphy open his eyes, because if he didn’t, he would never get to say anything about how he felt for him.

* * *

 

Bellamy turned the page from the last one he had read, and deeply sighed when he saw one more written entry, and not a single one after that.

_I’ve been feeling pretty disgusting these days. Actually, I’ve been feeling disgusting my whole life, but specially these last few days._

_These days have been all the same. We go out to check the perimeter and I pretend to be interested and that I’m actually scared about the danger outside, for everyone’s sake. Nothing happens and we go inside, I eat with Bellamy and whoever tags along, I walk with Bellamy around the camp, I sit next to Bellamy when we do those every-night bonfires, we are always the last ones to stay up, and these last few days, either he stays at my quarters for the night, I stay at his, or we fall asleep at the vigilance tower, you know, “duties”. I had always managed to look uninterested around Bellamy, but lately I just can’t even find the inspiration to be away from him, so I try my best to not make small talk, stay quiet and half-answer what he asks, and I end up looking like a dick._

_It makes me feel like crap, and I know it makes him feel like crap as well, which makes me feel even more like crap._

_Last night I had a wild thought, what if I just stop and give in, why don’t I just get inside his bed in the middle of the night, why don’t I just tell him, and allow myself to feel things? But I can’t, I can’t burden him with all of… this. I know I’m hurting him, but if he were ever to be with someone like me, he would get even more hurt._

_This makes me want to run away, to escape this place as if my feelings could be left behind. I’m good at surviving on my own, I want to just be able to breathe air without intoxicating his._

_He is laying on my bed right now, fast asleep, and I’m sitting next to him, looking at him, wanting to touch him. I wish things could be easier and I could just kiss him._

Oh, how the tables had changed.

Bellamy finished reading every last word Murphy had written in his journal. He was full of guilt for having invaded his privacy like that, but he was mostly so desperate for Murphy to open his eyes. What if he never did?

Reminding himself that Jackson had said _dying_ wasn’t something bound to happen, calmed him down. He had to keep thinking that everything was going to be alright.

* * *

 

Bellamy found himself in the company of his sister, as they had previously shared some heart-to-heart, and now, Bellamy didn’t mind if she found out the rest of the story.

The two of them slowly entered Murphy’s quarter, the journal in Bellamy’s hands. Octavia settled for awkwardly wandering around Murphy’s ordinary quarter, while Bellamy headed straight to the corner of the room and knelt beside the box where he had found the notebook. He carefully placed it back, in the bottom of the fox, putting everything back the way it was before.

“Are you gonna tell him that you read his diary?” Octavia teased, with a little bit of laughing.

Bellamy laughed back. “Someday”

Both siblings stayed in silence for a while, quietly laughing to themselves, until Octavia decided to speak.

“You know what you did was wrong, right?” She began, and Bellamy looked at her. “Sure, what you found in there is freaking adorable, but that doesn’t change the fact that you shouldn’t have even touched that thing”

Bellamy sighed, showing clear disappointment in himself. “I know” He stood up and faced Octavia. “I’m not proud of it, but if I hadn’t read it, I would’ve never known that Murphy needs help”

Octavia stared, knowing there’d be more explanation, and she kind of wanted to know what he had to say, because moments where Bellamy Blake was open about his emotions weren’t easier to find than Murphy’s.

“Okay, when I started reading it, yeah, I wanted to know if he had written anything about me, but I didn’t continue just because he needs a boyfriend; Murphy needs more than that, he needs someone he can trust, someone he can come to when he doesn’t know how to deal with himself, someone he can sit in silence with because he doesn’t want to _talk about it_ , but that he’ll know he’s not alone; he needs a family”

Octavia felt like she could cry at how cheesy his brother sounded, but she understood every word, and she knew that he was right.

“…And I want to believe that I can be that for him” He finished, earning a gently smile from his sister.

As they both turned around and headed outside, Octavia spoke one last time. “You know, he’s… he’s good for you, he makes you care about something else than just war” And now, Bellamy felt like he could cry. He smiled to himself without saying a word and continued to walk.

They walked together, side by side, and they almost made it to the, once again, pretty much improvised diner area, if it hadn’t been for Jasper, who was running, a little sloppy-ish, directly toward them, and stopped them from going anywhere else.

“Jasper” Bellamy called, as the guy in front of him placed his hands on his knees, bending a little as he tried to catch his breath.

Jasper panted a few times, before he took a deep breath and regained his composure, straitening up and looking directly into Bellamy’s eyes.

“I was at the hospital wing” He began, still a tad breathless. “Jackson asked me to look for you”

Bellamy opened his eyes widely. “Is it Murphy?” He asked, the impatience beginning to create in his words.

“I think so” Jasper responded, still breathless.

“Okay” Bellamy let out, turning to look at Octavia, who was staring expectantly at him, then back at Jasper, whose panting had decreased almost completely, and then he stared into the distance at the infirmary, trying to imagine what would be going on inside.

“Go” Octavia pushed him, causing him to lose his balance, but regaining just in time so he wouldn’t fall.

Bellamy began to walk, and he couldn’t help but start wondering about why Jackson had called him. Why hadn’t he gone and looked for him himself? Had he asked Jasper to hurry? Because he surely did, and, what could be so important that he thought Bellamy should know about that quickly?

He must’ve subconsciously sped up his pace as he, in no time, had arrived to the entrance of the infirmary. He didn’t stop to prepare himself for whatever was about to come, and instead, he just walked directly toward the spot he knew was Murphy’s.

From a distance he saw Murphy laying on his bed, just as he had been before, and Jackson standing next to him, facing him and showing his back to Bellamy.

Wild and scary thoughts went through Bellamy’s head. Murphy couldn’t have… died. Could he?

A few feet away from the two men, Jackson moved a little to the side, allowing Murphy’s face to be seen, and, oh God.

“Murphy” Bellamy breathed almost immediately as he saw him, laying there with his dirty clothes and his dirt-stained skin, and his perfectly shaped, bright and blue, open eyes. Eyes that turned to look at Bellamy as soon as the boy heard his name being called.

There was no expression in his face, none that Bellamy wanted to see, at least. But somehow, the lack of affection he received from Murphy didn’t bother him too much, mostly because he had been getting the exact same little amount of fondness from him in the past and it felt no different, but also because Bellamy had been so worried, that he might have not woken up, that his injuries had been stronger than him, and at that moment, he was fine.

So Bellamy slowly walked toward his bed and sat down on it, leaning down so he could hug him. He lifted him up from the bed, only a little bit, so he could wrap both of his arms around the boy.

“I’m so glad you’re okay” He whispered in his ear, probably exposing more emotion than he would’ve wanted.

Bellamy wasn’t expecting Murphy to hug him back, so he wasn’t disappointed when he didn’t.

“Yeah” Murphy responded, and Bellamy hadn’t been aware of how much he had wanted and needed to hear his voice. He figured he had been holding onto Murphy for too long, so he let go. Murphy shifted from his completely horizontal position and placed his forearms on the bed, on both his sides for support of his own body.

“You’ll have to rest for the night, try not to stand up too much, and you’ll probably be back to normal in the morning, okay?” Jackson demanded.

“’kay Doc” Murphy responded with his usual rasp and sass to his voice.

“Bellamy brought you some clothes, get changed and I’ll get you something to eat” Jackson smiled and patted the feet of the ‘bed’ before leaving the room.

Murphy straightened up and grabbed the clothes Jackson had handed to him. “Thank you”

Bellamy smiled and mumbled a “You’re welcome”, and then tried to say something else, related to a certain topic, opening and closing his mouth in various failed attempts to say the right thing. It was a good thing that Murphy wasn’t looking at him.

“Bellamy” Murphy called.

He had reasonably expected to hear something deep and memorable from Murphy, because the moment called for it. Maybe he’d say ‘ _sorry for being a jerk to you_ ’ or ‘ _you know what? I secretly love you_ ’ or maybe even ‘ _Bellamy, take me in this exact bed, right here, right now_ ’

Okay, maybe not that last one.

But Murphy had never been deep nor memorable to anybody but himself and to his secret journal, and Bellamy almost slapped himself for believing this would be the first time.

“You forgot my underwear”

“Oh” Bellamy managed to mumble after the big announcement. He then pictured himself looking for a clean pair of underwear and then finding that notebook, getting lost in it and completely forgetting about the freaking underwear.

“I’m sorry, I’ll bring them to you” He got to his feet and turned around.

“No, it’s okay, I’ll get them myself” Murphy began to get down from the bed, and before Bellamy could reach out for his arm and help him up, he was already walking out of the infirmary. “Maybe I’ll stay there, can you tell Jackson to take the food to my quarter instead?”

Bellamy tried to object.

“Sure” He agreed.

Without looking back, Murphy rushed out of the place with his clothes in his hands. If it had been any other day, that action would’ve sadden him, but now he knew, that if anyone was sad, it was Murphy. The fact that he had just read his deepest secrets and his raw, uncovered emotions didn’t change the fact that Murphy was still trying to be away from Bellamy. To the young boy, Bellamy still had no clue about his true feelings, and he was still the jerk who wasn’t capable of loving anyone but himself.

Bellamy felt guiltier than ever, in a position he didn’t want to be in, carrying a huge burden on his back, but the thought that he knew he could now help Murphy and show him all the things he had been missing out on, was bigger than any regret.


	2. The Past Is Left Behind in the Sky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me longer than expected. It's also longer than I had expected, and I'm not complaining. Thank you to everyone who has been waiting for this to be posted! I hope this can make up for the waiting.

Just like Jackson had predicted, Murphy did wake up the next morning feeling brand new. He was feeling rested and calm.

He stretched out in his own bed, rolled around for a while, and when he felt like it, he pushed the covers off of him and stood up. Because his eyes were still closed, he accidentally kicked the tray with food Jackson had left for him the night before. The empty plastic plates made their way to the floor, and the tray ended up a few feet away from his toes. The sudden noise made him feel more awake, and that was when he realized.

He had been having this weird sensation that Bellamy was there with him, asleep somewhere in the room. Murphy looked around, just to be sure, but he knew Bellamy hadn’t spent the night with him. Soon enough, he remembered the kind of day he had had not too long ago. That had been a tough day, but he’d had plenty of those down on the ground. He was pretty sure he could hold on some more.

Murphy dressed himself in the same clothes Bellamy had picked for him the day before, since he had only worn them for about an hour, and they were as clean as any piece of old and torn fabric could be.

He walked to the door, and before he opened it, a cold breeze of panic hit him, making him not want to step out of his room at all. What would happen when he met with Bellamy outside? What would he even say? If he were to do the right thing, he’d apologize for sneaking out in the middle of the night to recklessly fight a grounder who was looking for no trouble. Then, he’d apologize for being too cold and inexpressive when he woke up, and now that  he was at it, it would be a great idea to apologize for neglecting him all this time, and ask for his forgiveness and they’d make out. Right?

Murphy couldn’t even imagine himself admitting to Bellamy that he did have feelings. However, he didn’t want to make him feel bad again; he didn’t want to keep hurting him, and if they saw each other that morning, he probably would've said or done the wrong thing.

He didn’t want to face Bellamy, but he also didn’t want to stay in his quarter till the day he died. He figured it’d be best to make a run for it. Get out of the room and walk very quickly, stopping for no one who called his name; he’d keep walking until he met with Kane.

He knew he probably wouldn’t be trusted with any duties after the rebellious inconvenience he had pulled the day before. He was indeed taking a big chance by even asking to be allowed to be present in the assembly that let everyone know how the current situations were being handled. If he wasn’t exactly much trusted before he had ran away from Arkadia, he couldn’t imagine what kind of opinion the council had about him anymore.

But he decided to go for it anyway; try to convince Kane and the rest of the on-duty guards to let him come with, to let him fight with the rest of them. He did it mostly because he didn’t want to be standing in the camp, being a perfect target for Bellamy to find and interrogate, but some part of him was also doing it because he didn’t know how else to deal with his inner demons. He’d just have to do what he had always done; he’d just have to fight.

“Don’t even think about it” Murphy hadn’t even started to flatter the man to prepare him for the actual conversation, when he had already seen through him and declined his upcoming offer.

“You don’t know what I was going to say to you” He quickly responded with some teasing in the air.

“Yes I do” The man pointed out. Kane picked up a box from the floor and took it all the way to the back of a truck with the doors wide open, Murphy following from behind. “You want to come, but you won’t”

The vehicles were being loaded with their usual kind of armament; large and heavy guns, which would start to feel not so scary after having to get their hands on them for a time as long as the sky people had, food supplies stacked in boxes, very strategically rationed.

“Why not?” Murphy attacked defensively. “I can help you, I can stay on watch, I know how to use a gun, I can cover you, any of you”

Kane sighed in desperation and rolled his eyes at the young boy. “It takes more than knowing how a gun works to be helpful, Murphy”

Murphy stayed quiet, not because he knew he was right, which he was, but because the guy had seen him being helpful before, he had gone in missions before, small ones, but still. He had been there for them before.

“I’ve been to war, I can fight”

“This is not a war, we’re not going to fight anyone, this is just a routine trip” He breathed as he stacked one more box and closed the doors of the vehicle with a big thud.

“Well, that seems like too many rations and guns for just _a routine trip_ ” He commented with sass and anger, pointing at the now closed truck.

“You can never be too careful” The man responded with a smirk and proceeded to move forward to the next vehicle. Murphy followed, again.

“Then why don’t you just bring me along, another man would be like… being _extra_ careful”

“Look John,” He began, and Murphy knew he was about to get serious. “What you did, going out like that, without purpose, without a plan, and more importantly, without permission, was reckless, and stupid, to say the least” Murphy looked down. “What were you trying to do? Were you trying to prove point? Were you trying to get killed, Murphy?”

Murphy stayed silent once again. “N-no…”

“I don’t think you can be trusted this time” Kane let out. “For all I know, having you out there could cause more damage than good…”

Murphy stopped listening with detail. He wasn’t hurt, not at all; he had heard worse things people had said about him. He just didn’t care anymore about what he had to say, since every word that escaped from Kane’s mouth only felt like an ordinary excuse.

“…and besides, we’re leaving in ten, we’ve already got everything sorted out”

Murphy let his expression speak for him.

“Maybe next time” He finished with a softened stare.

“Yeah” Murphy maintained his freezing eye contact. “Maybe next time”

Kane kept his stare intact, and so did Murphy, until he decided to slowly back away, eventually having to turn around and leave the scene. Of course, Murphy wasn’t anywhere near even considering the idea of giving up. He wanted to go, he wanted to fight and not feel useless and vulnerable for the rest of the day. He’d just have to be a little cleverer, and maybe even a little more devilish and sneaky.

A couple of minutes later, he was fully dressed in guard clothes, with the protection helmet and everything included; trying to stay out of the radar among all those guards and soldiers who had actually been called for the situation.

He was just as tall, just as fit and brawny. From afar, nobody would’ve stopped to see that body belong to Murphy, not with all those people around. Yet, somehow, Kane had still spotted him pretty quickly.

“Jonathan Murphy” He spoke from a distance, his voice strong and firm. “What the hell?”

“I think it’s _next time_ already”

If it hadn’t been for the lack of time, or the fact that Kane had everything in place and ready to go, or if he hadn’t been too tired to keep arguing with a teenager, then maybe, he would’ve still denied Murphy’s presence. But he didn’t.

“Okay” He agreed, closing his eyes and sighing in defeat. “But if you pull something stupid, you’ll lose your privileges, for good, you hear me?”

“Yes, sir” Murphy smiled.

“Right” Kane sighed one last time. “Get your weapon and get in there” He continued, pointing at the back of one of the trucks, which had already some people inside.

Murphy couldn’t help feeling like he had just achieved something _big_ , even when going on a routine expedition wasn’t exactly life-saving, nor it was going to stop the end of the world; but anything that could make him feel mighty and powerful again without having to hit his own head with a wall, would make it. And that felt _big_.

He jogged to _the_ one box that was still placed outside of the vehicles, and half-smirked when he saw it had only one gun left. There could’ve been a whole lot of other weapons laying in the inside; there could’ve been none at all, but there was one, waiting for him. At least that’s how Murphy saw it; like the day was finally smiling at him.

He began to walk toward the truck Kane had assigned, starting to feel the air of the woods crashing against his skin, the smell of the different kinds of plants around, the feeling of holding the gun with both his hands, protecting it and saving it for something special…

…and then someone touched him; a slight brush of skin against his bare wrist. It was a warm touch, yet time-stopping and electrifying. Even before he turned around to respond to the attention call, he had already figured out who it was. Only Bellamy’s casual touching could make him feel like that.

Maybe the day wasn’t smiling to Murphy after all. It was more likely to be devilishly grinning at him.

“Hey” Bellamy announced. Usual deep, raspy voice.

Murphy froze. Of course. Of. Fucking. Course. Damn.

He couldn’t believe he had been so foolish not to even consider the fact that Bellamy was going to be there.

“Hi” He had to say something. Anything.

“I didn’t know you were coming today” Bellamy had a serious face, concerned, even. “Did Kane really ask you to join? He knows you’re recovering”

“No, I-” Murphy sighed, not daring to look at Bellamy. “I asked to come”

“Wh-” Bellamy started, with his concerned look still glowing.

“Okay everybody” Kane shouted, clapping his hands together and walking straight to the gate. “Everyone! Get inside your trucks, we’re leaving!” He opened the gate and proceeded to take the wheel of the nearest vehicle.

Murphy looked at Bellamy and decided to give him a short, apologetic smile. Before the guy could say anything else, he took off and headed to his assigned place, shutting the doors behind him.

* * *

 

 

Murphy didn’t remember the last time he went on an expedition has been so strict and self-control demanding. They had been asked to form lines of three and walk scattered all around the place, but not too much away from each other at the same time. Almost as if they were… hiding.

Murphy was the head of his line; which was great because he could go as fast as he wanted, until Kane asked him to _please_ stay behind him at all times, and then he’d do it again. The problem wasn’t that Murphy wanted to take over the mission, nor that he wanted to impress Kane. The deal was, that after two seconds of getting out or the trucks and continue the rest of the travel on foot, Bellamy had decided to stick with him. So, naturally, he was walking behind Murphy, at all times.

 “I’m really looking forward to that bonfire tonight” Bellamy casually commented. He was also making small talk.

“Or a long, hot shower”

Murphy tried not to squirm at the mention of the words _long_ , _hot_ and _shower_. Especially at the choice of using them in the same sentence. He wasn’t sure if he had, actually, managed to hide his twisting neck from Bellamy’s sight, so he acted like it wasn’t such a big deal. “Me too” He laughed.

Bellamy was laughing too. “I’m really hoping Monty and Jasper have something prepared for the fire”

Murphy opted for remaining silent.

“For us, I mean, not for the fire”

Bellamy’s panting in between the words was a result of a non-stop long walk with a little too much of a one-sided conversation.

“…I was wondering how they can do stuff like that, like, where does it all come from?” He stopped to take a big breath. “But, to be honest, I think I don’t want to know, not really” Bellamy laughed loudly, and Murphy just kept his smile to himself.

“It’s still cool, though” He continued, ignoring how breathless he could be sounding. “That they know things, that they have all this knowledge and they can actually do useful things in the benefit of everyone, not just for our bonfire nights, for the sake of having fun, you know?”

Murphy did know. He did believe what Monty, Jasper, Raven, and many other awesome people could do was, in fact, just as awesome. He did know, and he appreciated it, he just didn’t think about it every day, and he wondered if Bellamy did. He wondered if Bellamy was always thinking about the nice things people do, unlike him, who would be just fine with ignoring mostly everything and everyone.

“Not everyone can do the things they do, it’s like they can see through everything, they know how everything works. Some of us just know how to be tough and shoot guns” Bellamy took a long break.

Murphy had long forgotten he was trying not to be attracted by Bellamy’s voice; that he had wanted to keep walking and focus on the task. In actuality, he did end up staring at the woods and the little movements behind the bushes and under his feet, but he was also listening to every word Bellamy said like a sweet background song as the only thing he could hear.

He had managed to stay quiet and filter Bellamy’s comments to decide which ones he could answer, and which ones would be better off left in the air. However, something about the guy almost implying that he was nothing else than a soldier, a tough guy, a weapon; forced him to open his mouth.

“Being the tough guys with guns isn’t easy, we’re the ones who get to see the blood and the losses, we risk our lives and try to save as many as we can, and then we have to cope with everyone blaming us for those we couldn’t protect instead of thanking us for saving their damned lives…”

“That is true”

“…and you? You’re the one who has to make the plans and the deciding; you have to make a choice, even when there are no pretty and ‘ _everything’s_ ’ _good_ options, and then you still have to take people’s shit because they don’t understand. That’s not _just easy_ ”

The sound of walking and branches breaking in the way, combined with distant, unclear conversations, was the only sound present in the area for a while, since Bellamy had become silent very suddenly after what Murphy had said.

But, nothing had felt so silent until Murphy let his lips relax and he opened his mouth one more time. “And, besides, you’re not just a tough guy who shoots guns”

Murphy hadn’t even tried to stop himself from saying something too soft; something that would make him look interested. More specifically, he hadn’t realized he had stopped trying to be careless. He hadn’t realized he had wanted to say it; so when he did, he regretted it almost immediately.

He could feel Bellamy’s smile from behind him. He could hear the screaming coming from his mind. He could feel his aura and his presence more than ever, and he was sure that Bellamy could feel Murphy’s inner battle too.

“You- too” Bellamy replied, a little hesitant.

And then, breaking the moment too soon for Bellamy, but just in time for Murphy, the silence and the panic in the ground abruptly reached everyone’s senses when a loud thud echoed around the area.

Murphy turned around to the source of the sound, and he saw Bellamy and the rest of the people around doing the same thing too. It took him a moment to find the spot where all the commotion came from, but when he did, it was almost impossible that he had missed it in the first place.

Edmund, one of the soldiers who was in the back of a line, was pressed against a tree, with a spear incrusted in his abdomen. There was blood everywhere, coming out of his wound and from his mouth. It seemed like he had lost consciousness almost immediately, and Murphy knew it was better than to have him suffering and screaming for his life, but the sight was still a shock.

Nobody moved. Nobody said a word. Nobody even dared to breathe too loudly. Murphy was scared, and he knew he should be running as fast as he could, but his legs wouldn’t let him. It had been a while since anything like that had happened.

“Run!” He heard Kane scream with all his breath.

Kane’s voice made everyone break free from their startled trance, and they began to run behind Kane.

Murphy was focused on running as fast as his legs would allow him to. He knew they were being attacked, there was no doubt of that. Spears flying solo wasn’t something that just happened. The day he had begged to come and the day he was actually not allowed to come, the day he finds himself in the middle of a grounder attack when there hadn’t been one in a long while.

There was another thing he knew, too. When they took off and began running like headless chickens, that was the moment the grounders were waiting for to start aiming for everyone. They’d throw spears, arrows and rocks at everyone, and they wouldn’t stop following the group of soldiers until every single one of them was dead.

He turned around as he was running, and he felt scared when he didn’t see many people behind him. The rest must’ve separated from the group, running in other directions. He knew, however, that not everyone would make it safely.

He continued to run, unaware of his destination, not knowing if he was running in circles or if he was making his way to another grounder village that would get him in a much slower, more painful death.

After a while of running, he realized the only sound he could hear was his own panting and his own feet crushing everything he stepped on. There were no other breaths, no grounders’ screaming, and no sound of guns being fired. It was just him and the pain in his legs.

The area he found himself in was very bushy and crowded, he thought maybe he could stop for just a minute. Maybe he could stop and catch his breath, let the pain in his legs and his chest cease, so he could keep running. Maybe if he stopped for just one minute, he wouldn’t be seen.

What happened next was so quick, he needed someone to talk him through it so he could’ve known. He felt a strong pair of arms grab his body, and they pulled him close against a big tree. Seconds after the abrupt movement, he felt an arrow reach the ground, only a few inches away from him. He stared at the arrow, thinking about how it could’ve been him the one with the arrow inside of his chest. After breathing for a couple of times, he looked up to the person who had just saved his life. Bellamy.

Murphy changed his gaze repeatedly from Bellamy’s face to other spots of the area. “Thank you” He finally breathed, unaware of how breathless he actually was.

“No problem” Bellamy responded. He let go of Murphy’s arms, but their bodies were, with no other choice, still pressed together.

It had been Murphy’s mission to stay the hell away from Bellamy, to avoid his gaze as much as he could, to not respond to his comments at all, but at that moment, he surely was thankful that he was there with him.

Both of them were panting, breathing heavily, totally aware that they were trapped behind a tree, unable to move or to escape without having a spear across their heads.

“Well, this is oddly convenient” Murphy casually commented, causing Bellamy to laugh.

“Yes, it is”

“How the hell are we going to get out of here?”

“Huh” Bellamy whispered, looking around, trying to look for their best option. “I… don’t know”

Murphy let out a disappointment laugh as he looked away from the taller guy. “So we’re just staying here until they get bored and leave” He shrugged.

Bellamy looked at him and smiled. “I don’t think that’s gonna happen”

“Yeah, not helping”

For a moment, Murphy believed Bellamy was being silent because he was assembling the pieces to create a master plan that would get them both, safe and sound, out of that situation, but with every second that passed, the more he realized he was probably just _enjoying the moment_.

It was just the two of them, their bodies pressed together, both against a tree, trying not to be seen. Someone’s hands had to rest on someone’s arms because there was nowhere else to place them without a part of them sticking out of their hiding spot. Out of context, it could’ve seemed pretty romantic. For a short while, he wished he could erase the fact from his mind that the only reason they were standing in that position was because their lives were in danger, just like Bellamy was probably doing. He wished he could enjoy the moments without feeling self-conscious or guilty about it, just like Bellamy always did.

But it didn’t matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t help but feel anxious and trapped. Not trapped by Bellamy, but trapped by himself, like if right from the outer layer of his skin, an impenetrable shield grew bigger and bigger, keeping anything and anyone from stepping inside, and trapping Murphy along with his dark thoughts and his idiotic decisions.

Nothing good for his ego could come out of Bellamy and Murphy being alone in silence; slowly opening space for those deep, confronting conversations he was so scared of.

But before Bellamy could say anything, and he wanted to, a sudden noise distracted them from wherever in space they were. A gun shot resounded all around the ground, they could both feel it, and then a pained, small scream followed.

They heard footsteps, and Murphy would be lying if he said he wasn’t mirroring Bellamy’s worrying expression.

“It’s safe” They heard a voice coming from the other side of the tree. The two guys separated from each other and came out of their hiding spot from opposite sides, which allowed them to see Miller standing there, in a triumphant position, holding his gun up in the air and showing a proud look on his face.

“Thanks” Bellamy announced quietly, still stepping carefully on the ground and looking around, just to be sure.

“Come on, Kane wants everyone gathered up in a meeting point” He demanded, way too quickly. He motioned for them to fallow with his hand and led them to wherever the rest of the group was.

They eventually reached a cave that Bellamy recognized instantly. He almost didn’t think about the fact that the last time he had been there, his own sister had kicked the light out of him, and that he had been on the wrong side of the battlefield. If anything, it made him want to take care of his own people even more.

“Okay, here’s what we’re gonna do” Kane explained to everyone, with a raspy and tired voice.

“We get ready, fix up your equipment, make sure your guns are loaded” Everyone nodded. “We make a run for it, that way it will be harder for them to aim, you shoot at any sign of movement, is that clear?” The remaining soldiers all looked at each other and proceeded to nod one more time.

“As soon as we reach the village, I’ll show myself and I’ll talk to the leader, the rest of you stay hidden, stay ready for anything”

“Wait, we’re still going?” Murphy didn’t know who had asked, mostly because they had just said the same thing he had been thinking.

“Why wouldn’t we?”

“We were just attacked, I just thought-”

“We came here for a reason, we’re not done yet, we have to keep going” Kane ended the argument, and nobody said anything else.

“Get ready” He commanded, and then proceeded to walk to the front of the cave, waiting for everyone to follow.

Murphy turned around and disassembled his own weapon. He hadn’t made that many shots, so he figured his remaining bullets would be enough. He put it all back together and put the safety on.

“Here” Bellamy reached out. He grabbed Murphy’s gun and tried to help him get it around himself, but the boy took it with both his hands and stepped back. “I can do it myself” He avoided Bellamy’s gaze, rejecting his help.

Bellamy stared for a while. “Fine” He gave up when he accepted that Murphy wasn’t going to say anything else. He grabbed his own gear and walked to the entrance of the cave. He waited for everyone to get ready, and he fought the urge to turn around and look at Murphy as he readjusted his vest back in the right position.

Murphy knew he was being rude to Bellamy again, and he felt horrible about it, suddenly so much more than he ever had.

He walked to the end of the line, being one of the last ones to get ready for the new massacre that was about to happen.

“Remember, shoot everything that moves” Kane repeated, earning a few groans and shrugs from everyone. That had been said, he opted for taking the first step out of the cave, which quickly turned into a stampede of very scared sky people who were trying not to die.

 Between the noise of the guns being fired and spears and arrows being thrown, he almost didn’t notice when Bellamy, who had been at the front of the line in the cave, had somehow ended up running next to him; at the exact same peace.

Murphy was beginning to feel a little frustrated. If the guy had something to say to him, he should just say it and stop harassing him.

He knew he didn’t believe that. He enjoyed Bellamy’s company more than he enjoyed his own. However, he did sense that Bellamy wasn’t sticking to his side just because he wanted to enjoy a romantic jog.

“Run faster!” Kane kept screaming. He wasn’t sure if they were going the right way, or if they were going fast enough. Hell, he didn’t even know if they should be going at all. However, he did notice everyone had actually started to run faster than they were before, and he did so too when he felt like he was starting to stay left behind.

One foot in front of the other. Trying to keep up, being careful where he stood, ignoring the pain he felt when he stepped in a rock that was too big for his shoes to handle or when his feet folded the wrong way, while avoiding spears and arrows was no easy task.

It was, in fact, so hard, that when he thought it’d be okay jump the one-meter-of-height slope without using his hands for support, because it’d be a lot faster and it would’ve looked a lot cooler, his body couldn’t do anything else rather than stumble with its own weight as soon as he hit the floor, and he rolled around the next few yards of his run.

Much to his annoyance, it hadn’t been anywhere near a second, when Bellamy’s strong arms were already clasped around Murphy’s shoulders, helping him up.

“Fuck off!” He dared to scream as he harshly slid away from Bellamy’s hold. He didn’t stop to look at him, and he continued to run.

* * *

 

“Okay, everyone remember, stay in your places, I’ll try to be quick” The man who had been leading them since the beginning of the quest announced for everyone to hear, mostly to reassure himself. After all, it was him who was more exposed to danger.

Murphy maintained his position, knelt behind a tall bush. He knew he had to stay focused on Kane, to watch his every movement, to also keep an eye to anyone who seemed suspicious; what meant keeping an eye out on everyone, but he was so tired already, that he settled for hiding behind the bush with his gun in hand, but doing nothing else, at all. Maybe he could relax for a moment; maybe he could stop thinking for just a short while.

Or maybe not.

Somehow, Bellamy had decided to hide in the same bush as Murphy. Without saying a word, without giving him a look, he just crawled toward the bush and knelt there, beside Murphy, and it didn’t matter how long the boy stared at him, questioning just _why the hell_ , he wouldn’t turn around to face him, as if he was extremely determined to do the job right.

“Uhm” Murphy started off, still giving Bellamy a long lasting dirty look. “What are you doing?”

Bellamy finally turned to the side to face him. “Oh, that’s funny, I thought I’d ask you the same thing” He had kept a straight face. “What the fuck are you doing, Murphy?”

To answer the question, Murphy wasn’t doing anything; he was kneeling behind a bush, hiding, trying to stay alive, he was, kind of, doing the job. But it didn’t matter how hard Murphy tried to convince himself that Bellamy was there to scold him for his poor acts as a soldier, he knew what the guy meant. He was there to scold him for his poor acts as a human being.

“What are you talking about?” He still denied, anyway.

“You know what I’m talking about, don’t pretend you don’t know” Bellamy’s voice gave away that he was, in fact, mad, but it was hard to feel accused by a whisper. They were still hiding, after all. Screaming wasn’t going to be a favor to anyone. Murphy couldn’t resist Bellamy’s stare, so he looked down to the ground with an upside-down grin.

“I get that you don’t want me around, but you don’t have to push me away like that, I was trying to save your life” Bellamy whisper-screamed. He turned his face to the front, as if he was done talking, but he quickly turned to look at Murphy again. “No, forget that, I _don’t_ get why you don’t want me around”

Murphy could only stare.

“I don’t get why you _never_ want me around, not until you _do_ , and you want to spend time with me, and then you _don’t_ ”

There it was. There was what Murphy could call his biggest fear. Confrontation. A confrontation he couldn’t escape from.

“You can be so frustrating sometimes” Bellamy whispered.

“Well, if I’m so frustrating, why are you here? Why do you keep following me around?” Murphy imitated Bellamy’s angry whispers. The guy turned around with a softened look that still carried some anger along, and held the look for a couple of seconds. When he broke the stare, he looked around the place, and then fixated his eyes on a spot behind Murphy.

Before he could turn around to see what Bellamy was staring at, the guy had already grabbed his arms and shoved him behind a big, covered in moss rock. They were still out of sight from the grounders, but they were also hidden away from their own people.

“What the hell?” Murphy whisper-exclaimed as he snatched himself away from Bellamy’s hold.

Bellamy easily let go of Murphy. “Is this how you wanna do this? Fine”

“Do what?” Murphy managed to sound pissed and confident, but he still couldn’t shut off the inside part of him that was scared to death, that that moment was already happening.

“Why can’t you just admit it?”

“Admit what?”

Bellamy stayed silent, but not for long. “That you-”

For a second, Bellamy seemed to be debating if calling him out was the best option, but Murphy wouldn’t blame him if he did. He even wondered why it hadn’t happened sooner.

“-that you don’t hate as much as you do”

“I never said I hated you-”

“And that you care about me as much as I care about you”

Murphy had been preparing to open his mouth for a smart come back, but when he heard what Bellamy had said, it felt like his throat had closed on its own. He _really_ had no idea what to do or what to say.

“Why can’t you just admit that you have feelings for me? Nobody’s gonna care, nobody’s going to say anything to you, or to me, nothing’s gonna happen-”

“Because I’m no good to you!” Murphy almost forgot he shouldn’t speak that loudly. “Because you can’t get invested in something that’s only going to suck the life out of you”

Now it was Bellamy who was speechless.

“I couldn’t expect you to leave your life behind just to carry this burden” Murphy pointed at himself.

“What are you talking about?” Bellamy questioned again; that time with a worried tone, more than anything.

“I know you think it would all be fine, but not everything will be fine”

“What-”

“It would only be a matter of time for you to realize that this is just a big mistake, that this is just wrong”

“You think this is a mistake? Do you think you made a mistake by falling in love with me?” Bellamy sounded offended.

“No!” Murphy decided to completely ignore the fact that Bellamy had just acknowledged the fact that he was in love with him; that he knew, and that he had probably known for a long time. “It’s me, you choosing me is the mistake”

“What? No! That’s not true at all”

“That’s what you think right now, but I know you’d get tired of having to deal with me” Murphy was almost sure he had started angry crying at some point. “You really don’t know what you’re getting yourself into, that’s why I can’t admit it, because I can’t drag you into this mess any further!”

“Murphy, stop!” Bellamy fought his need of wiping Murphy’s tears away from his face. “I would never get tired of you, why can’t you see that?”

The truth was, Bellamy did know what he was getting himself into, he knew it all too well, but he accepted that. He was ready, and more than okay with Murphy and everything that surrounded him.

“Why can’t _you_ see that I don’t want you to get hurt?” Murphy kept madly whispering.

“What do I have to do to make you see that you’re wrong? Murphy, what do you want me to say?” Bellamy sounded more desperate than he intended to. “That I don’t care about how big of a mess you are? That I enjoy every minute that I spend with you, even when you act like a jerk and all you do is push me away? That I feel pathetic because I keep running straight to you when you keep running _away_ from me? Or that I understand how you feel? That still, I want to be with you? That I need you? That I love you?” Bellamy hadn’t been aware of how mad he must’ve looked. “Because I do”

Murphy was panting, even when he hadn’t been the one raging. A series of emotions had unchained inside Murphy; from his usual and familiar rage, self-disappointment, and confusion, to all these new senses of importance, affection, and maybe even some hope.

None of them said anything. Bellamy awaited for Murphy to respond, but Murphy was paralyzed.

He had no idea what he had said, or what he had done, or what had happened between him and Bellamy, but it wouldn’t have mattered, because it wouldn’t have happened anyway.

The both of them jumped, startled, when they heard the sound of grinding metal coming from the entrance of the grounder village. They held their guns as an automatic reaction, when they caught sight of Kane, whose hands were tied together in the back of his head. A grounder was holding his arms with one hand, and held a knife with the other, clearly threatening the rest of the sky people who were at the entrance of the village.

“Don’t hurt him, we’ll just go” Miller, who was the closest to Kane, begged. He placed his hands in the air, letting go completely of his weapon.

“Yes, you’ll go” The grounder who held Kane growled. He harshly let go of him, and backed away.

Kane walked straight to Miller. His face was covered in blood and he clearly had several cuts around his forehead and his cheeks. When he was facing him, he motioned for two other guys to come closer as well. Murphy believed their names were Bailey and Victor. He really didn’t know for sure.

“What happened?” Miller asked quietly. Murphy could barely hear him with the distance.

“I don’t think we’ll make peace with these guys anytime soon” Kane struggled to breathe.

Miller and the other two guys sighed. Nobody took defeat well.

“Let’s go” Kane whispered. He was clearly disappointed, but his wounds spoke louder than anything at the moment. They had been defeated, and they had to accept it and back away. They could try something else another time.

Murphy and Bellamy lowered their guns and turned around.

“No, we didn’t come all the way here for nothing” The guy Murphy knew as _Bailey_ spoke. “Hey!” He screamed at the grounder, who hadn’t entered the village just yet.

“No! What are you doing?” Kane screamed after him when the guy began to head back.

“I told you to go” The grounder growled again.

“We still have someth-”

Murphy’s eyes widened in shock. It took him by surprise; just when he thought they would be going home safely, in one peace, it happened. There was blood everywhere. With the distance included, he could feel some splashes of blood reaching the skin on his face.

Nobody moved.

Nobody moved until the grounders did, and everything Murphy could do was beginning to run for his life one more time.

* * *

 

The water made contact with his skin for the first time in a long while; he had almost forgotten how it felt like, but the sudden impact on the surface of his body didn’t make him shiver, as it made everyone else, nor satisfy the craving need of feeling clean. His body was stiff as steel, yet as loose and fragile as paper; his eyes were closed yet he could still see the images of war clearly, just as if he was still there, living every part.

Murphy decided to open his eyes. He was exhausted but his brain was still in good shape, he had a suggestive thought and wondered if the actual sight of the real world would be better than the fresh memories of the battle. His vision was blurry at first, but it managed to adjust to the lighting and the water just fine. Looking at the cold, solid floor, he wished he hadn’t opened his eyes at all.

Water hit the floor as a thick mass of dirt and blood, a mass that happened to have a bit of water with those things as well. Murphy’s stomach began to ache in disgust. He wasn’t entirely sure who that blood belonged to; the stinging feeling of his open wounds being washed out proved some of the dark red liquid was his, but he was more that aware he had had his own people’s blood in his bare hands in multiple occasions.

After a while, the water had washed away the dirt and the blood from Murphy’s body, but he didn’t feel clean at all; a cold, frightening sensation remained, and was everything he could notice. He debated between crying or punching the wall as he wondered if the war images, just as the melancholic feeling, would haunt him forever, but he didn’t have the time to think; his bubble of anger, sadness and painful guilt shattered as he felt a familiar warmth coming closer to his cool aura.

Something about the gentlest touch caused Murphy’s emotions to go all over the place. A hand on his shoulder shared its warmth and sent that sensation of comfort he didn’t know he needed that much. Bellamy’s other hand reached the wall and closed the faucet to stop the water from making its way to any of their bodies anymore.

Bellamy knew all too well how Murphy’ brain worked, and even when worried was all he was, and he wished he could just hug the boy and hold him until the night ended, he knew how to deal with him.

Unfortunately for Murphy, and surprisingly for Bellamy, the boy was in a place he had never been in before; he himself didn’t know how to feel or how to deal with the issues, he didn’t know what to do next. The events from the past days had managed to drive Murphy to a new era; an unprotected field of emotions which were far too hard for him to handle. He had tried so hard to get his emotions in place and his face straight, but he ended up closing his eyes again and letting out a hardly audible sob. Hardly audible, but Bellamy still heard it, and it was unnecessarily shocking. He thought he had it all figured out, but the impenetrable shield Murphy used to wear had broken and things had changed.

Bellamy wasn’t sure of what to do, however, he didn’t remove his hand from Murphy’ shoulder. When another sob escaped Murphy’ mouth, Bellamy felt himself cracking. He didn’t have time to come up with a new plan, and all he could think of was his old yet persistent fantasy of being the soldier who would carry Murphy when he couldn’t hold his own weight. He stepped closer to Murphy and hugged him from behind with his arms wrapped around Murphy’s bare and wet torso. He made sure his head rested on the top of Murphy’ back so he could feel the comfort Bellamy was so eager to deliver.

Murphy could feel himself tangling in knots as his attempts of staying strong failed. He didn’t want to be the person who relied on others; he didn’t want the one to be held or saved. However, he knew Bellamy was probably the exception. Bellamy’s speeches had always been the only ones he listened to carefully; his plans were the only ones he could consider to add to his own; his hand had been the only one who had sent him comfort, and his arms wrapped around his body had been the only thing in a long time that had made him feel safe. Bellamy’s touch made him feel way too good to ignore. He didn’t want to be in that position, but at the same time, it was all he wanted. He thought that maybe, if Bellamy was the person who had seen him at his worst and best, who knew about his present and past, who could read his mind better than himself, then maybe it was okay to show him that restless part of him too; maybe it was okay to be vulnerable around Bellamy and let him be the one who’d hold him for once.

Murphy decided not to resist the tears anymore and broke into a sad, yet relieving pond of tears. Bellamy let go of Murphy as he felt how he was beginning to turn around to face him. Bellamy had barely seen his face when Murphy let his head rest on Bellamy’s shoulder and closed his eyes; in return, Bellamy held him as tight as he could.

* * *

 

Fully clothed, his hair was slightly dripping. He was- fine. He was feeling exhausted; somewhere near his three a.m. flagging mind, he almost wanted to get in bed and stare at the ceiling, reliving every event of that day, every bad memory, and rethinking every bad decision he had ever made, until he somehow drifted off to sleep.

What was different from any other day, was that he was too tired of running away from himself, mostly because he knew he would never get anywhere. He had never gotten anywhere, he had never felt relieved, and he had certainly never felt light, free, and careless. He didn’t have the energy to keep walking away. But what made it precisely different, totally unlike any other situation, was that Bellamy was there, sitting next to him, both quiet and motionless; both awake and aware that they were standing in new, unknown ground, and they, specially Murphy, were maybe, a tad excited and relieved that they were finally going to get some things some out of their chests. Because they could, and because it was okay.

“Being the tough guys with guns isn’t easy, right?” Bellamy was probably just as tired as Murphy, but he still showed that jesting and sweet sounding to his voice, trying to keep the time awake. Murphy didn’t know how he could manage to be so convivial sometimes; even in those when it was perfectly excused to feel dejected.

Murphy looked at him with his eyes barely open, and a laugh managed to escape his lips. “Yeah”

“Look” Bellamy began, taking a slight jump so he could scoop closer to Murphy. They were so close, their legs and shoulders were touching. The boy recognized the familiar sensation of being touched by Bellamy, and he smiled to himself, because just then, he realized he had missed it more than he thought.

“I know you don’t think too much of yourself…” He began to say, but stopped himself when he realized he was quoting Murphy’s journal entry, and he wished with everything he owned that Murphy wouldn’t figure him out.

He didn’t, after all. If anything, Murphy threw an apologetic look at Bellamy, as if a bomb of truth had just exploded on his face.

“…but,” Bellamy continued when he found it safe to. “That doesn’t mean that there are people, out there, and around you, who do, deeply care about you”

Murphy wished that were true.

“I, I do, care about you” Bellamy whispered. Murphy gave him a sad smile. He then turned his head to the side and saw through the slightly open door of his quarter. He could see the bonfire, with his friends and his not-so-friends all gathered around, laughing and drinking, just as every other night. But that one night, none of the people who had gone on the mission were there, and Murphy couldn’t blame them, he felt sick only by thinking about going there and acting like nothing bad and soul-crushing had happened to him. He proceeded to stand up, feeling the cold as he let go of Bellamy’s side, and he closed the door completely. He turned around to face the guy, but he didn’t return to the bed.

He moved his head and his lips, trying to say what was going through his mind, but it felt physically impossible. He sighed and looked at the floor, trying to gather his thoughts and put some order into his upcoming words.

“I know, that what we- who we are, you and I, we-” He stopped again, failing at actually saying what he really wanted to. He took a deep breath. “You are the only person that makes me feel like I actually want to stick around, sometimes you are the only thought in my mind that makes me want to keep going, Bellamy”

Bellamy smiled, but in a sad way, because he knew how Murphy felt, and hearing him say it was more painful than reading him.

“I need you” Murphy finally spoke clearly and confident. “The truth is, that if I want to stay sane in this world, in this camp, if I’m going to be far from losing my mind, I’ll need you here, with me, but I can’t have you here because you’re not going to be happy”

Bellamy stood up and reached out to Murphy, trying to say something. However, Murphy didn’t let him, and continued to talk.

“What I said back there is true and you know it, I am a burden, I’m too much to handle, I don’t want you to have to deal with me when you’ve already got so much in your plate”

“Murphy, you are not-”

“I don’t want you to get hurt because of me, I care about you way too much and I don’t think I could ever live with myself if something happened to you because of something I did”

“No, Murphy, why can’t you see that that’s not how it works?” Bellamy managed to get in between the boy’s speech, but failed to get a reaction.

“I’d bring you more trouble than what you could handle” Murphy tried not to cry. “If we still lived in The Ark, I’d probably be dead by now, I’d be floating around space with everyone they’ve floated, it’s pure luck that I’m still alive with everything I’ve done”

Bellamy walked closer to Murphy, and if he were any closer, the boy would be pinned against the door. He wanted to hold Murphy like he had done before, but he wasn’t so sure how that would turn out, so he settled for saying what he had been wanting to scream to Murphy.

“But you’re not in The Ark, you’re down here, on the ground” He pointed to the floor with his index finger. “And down here we do whatever the hell we want, remember?”

Murphy barely blinked.

“And what I want to do is take the chance and stay with you, and you call it whatever you want, reckless, stupid, crazy, if you want, but to me, there is nothing that sounds more sane and right”

Murphy desperately tried to find a smart come back in his mind, but he was way too distracted by the fact that Bellamy wasn’t going to let go so easily, and that it meant he really did want him.

“I know you, I like you, I care about you more than I’ve cared about anything else since we’ve touched the Earth, please don’t push me away, and don’t try to scare me away because nothing is going to make me want to be apart from you”

Murphy knew Bellamy only spoke the truth, and he knew he had the kindest heart he had ever encountered, and that if he’d let himself believe it, he’d be floating into space, as the words he was hearing were taking everything away from him.

But, because of the simple reason that he was still Murphy, he had to push just a little more.

“My parents died because of me, do you think I won’t bring you pain?” Murphy almost cheered to himself when he managed to keep a straight and serious face. Much to his surprise, Bellamy had no reaction.

“My mom died because of me, too”

Murphy was expecting some sort of fearful response, or a judging look planted on Bellamy’s face. He didn’t know how to react when he got a cheeky smile instead.

“I might screw this up” He tried one more time, with a softened expression.

“I might screw this up, too”

Murphy tilted his head and closed his eyes in disbelief, wondering how it could be possible that Bellamy Blake had a defective bone in his body that could make him do anything wrong.

“I’m no more innocent than you are” He continued. “I’m not a saint”

Murphy chuckled. “For all I know, you might as well be”

Bellamy stared for a long while, smiling wider by the second. Neither of the guys’ hands twitched when they brushed against each other. Bellamy’s fingertips slowly found their way to the back of Murphy’s hand, softly caressing the clean skin.

“Murphy,” He began, slower and softer. “Who we are, is not defined by the things we’ve seen or what we’ve done, and it surely isn’t determined by what we’ve lived and we didn’t have control of” Murphy tried to keep a defensive mindset, but the softness of Bellamy’s voice, how it almost sounded like a whisper, and how his body was somehow getting closer to his without him noticing made his thoughts cloud in his mind, and he found himself focusing only on Bellamy’s features, on his hand grasping his tighter, his breath touching the skin of his face… he didn’t realize when he had lost his senses.

“Murphy, I’m not going to leave you, no matter what you say”

Murphy wondered how he could still be standing.

“If I’m going to suffer, and if I’m going to get my heart broken, fine, bring it, because there is no one else I’d want to do this with, but you”

For a moment, Murphy was able to set aside the fact that he had just heard the truest, yet heartwarming thing anyone had said to him in years, and kept focusing on Bellamy’s face, and how he had no issue with it getting significantly closer.

“Alright?”

Bellamy’s voice was the perfect combination of firmness and determination with unintentional seductiveness, and Murphy wasn’t only getting lost in it, he wanted to, he was curious about how much he could feel with this new careless sensation.

“Fine” He swallowed, and not too long after, Bellamy leaned in just a tiny bit, and right after looking at Murphy’s already closed eyes, he touched his lips with his.

Murphy found it a little confusing; how a part of him just went for it, as if he had done it a million times before, like it was the routinary thing to do, but the other side was screaming in tormented excitement, eager to feel Bellamy in every possible way.

Eventually, his thoughts were overpowered as well, leaving Murphy completely empty of every remorse he had, because there was no room for anything else than the mental and physical satisfaction he felt, when he was _finally_ kissing Bellamy.

It didn’t take long for their lips to find the right rhythm in their movements, and for their hands to find their way to each other’s bodies. They had to move away from the door, because every time Bellamy wanted to touch Murphy’s back, he’d find himself trapped between the boy and the door.

Bellamy slept in Murphy’s bed that night, not unlike some nights they had spent together in the past, but that one, Murphy hadn’t had any second thoughts when he laid next to him.

They were both in bed, looking at each other, and it was hard for them to just turn around and place their heads on the pillows, allowing the sleep to take over, because this was so familiar, so warm and comforting, but they still found it so new and exciting. Murphy wished he could have the feeling of the taste of Bellamy’s lips forever printed onto his; he had to kiss the guy every few seconds, or else he feared he’d forget what it felt like.

Bellamy laid there, with his eyes closed, his chest moving as he breathed, and Murphy could only look at him, when he wasn’t looking at the ceiling. There was something he wanted to do, but it didn’t feel as necessary as it had felt some of the other nights he had done it.

Carefully, without making too many movements to keep Bellamy asleep, he left the bed and walked straight to the corner of his room. He knelt in front of the box where he kept a lot of useless junk inside, and looked at the little mess for a moment. Murphy took his journal and his almost-out-of-ink-pen, and opened it in the next blank page.

_I was looking at the ceiling, and I closed my eyes, trying to fall asleep, and for a moment I got scared, and I thought that if I opened my eyes, I’d be outside the camp, laying on the ground with my legs missing and my hands tied, a poisoned knife embedded in my gut, alone. But then I remembered I had just made out with fucking Bellamy and that he was sleeping and snoring next to me._

_I know what I am, and that all sky people are the bringers of death, me more than anyone, and I don’t know how, but Bellamy makes me want to bring him along my dark times, and he makes me want to believe him when he says that he wants to suffer with me, or some shit like that._

_He’s a good guy, the best, in fact, and I have to admit that makes me lucky. It’s exciting, and scary too, to think that I may not have to pretend anymore that I don’t want to get in his pants._

Murphy wrote for the last time.

He snuck out of his room, trying to make as little noise as possible. It was very early in the morning, or very late at night, he still couldn’t tell the difference, and he was only wearing his thin flannel trousers with one of his usual shirts that had more holes than fabric. He walked straight to the isolated bonfire, where no one was sitting anymore, and without thinking twice, he threw the notebook, straight to the center of the fire.

He didn’t stay to watch as the journal’s pages twitched and burned, eventually turning into ashes. That thing was so old it was already breaking and becoming dust on its own. Instead, he simply turned around and headed back to his quarter.

He closed the door behind him, and watched Bellamy for a second, analyzing how he had changed his position and how he had probably realized Murphy was gone. He walked to the bed and slid the blanket away from his side, making space for him to lay down.

Just after he put the blanket back on top of him, he moved closer to Bellamy, and since they were completely facing each other, he could easily wrap his arm around his torso. As expected, Bellamy wasn’t asleep at all, and he slid his arm under Murphy’s head, wrapping it around his shoulder and hugging the boy back with his other arm.

“You’re not running off again, are you?”

“Wouldn’t dream of it”

* * *

 

Bellamy and Murphy sat together at the same table, both placing their food rations on top and beginning to eat their breakfast.

“Are you going back today? I’m not sure if I want to, but if you’re going, I’m sure I can convince Kane to let me come too” Murphy asked, referring to the chaotic grounder visit 2.0, which was being organized by Kane and a few other council members, but nobody wanted to tag along. Not after the horrifying images they could still have inside their heads and all the wounds that hadn’t begun to heal yet.

“I have to tell you something” Bellamy spoke, completely ignoring the boy’s question. His voice was low and soft, but his face was impatient, dark eyes full of guilt.

Murphy waited for a while, only staring at Bellamy, but he had a pretty good sense of where the conversation was heading, and honestly, he didn’t want to let _that_ be something of the matter to either of them, so he decided to put the guy out of his misery.

“I know you read it” Murphy admitted almost immediately. Not a thread of negativity in his voice.

“What?” Bellamy asked, a little scared and surprised. “How did you know?”

“You didn’t do a great job by putting in back without messing up everything else”

Bellamy closed his eyes, externally laughing with Murphy, but internally slapping himself and feeling disappointed.

“And you just reek of guilt every time I mention something related to what’s in there…” He laughed some more, and Bellamy felt even more embarrassed. “…and Octavia told me”

Bellamy sighed. “Of course she did” They laughed together. “So…, you’re not mad?”

Murphy looked at him, directly at his eyes, maybe even through them. “I would’ve been” He started, keeping his gaze pierced on Bellamy. “But the timing didn’t really let me be mad, it wasn’t my first thought”

There was silence between them for a moment.

“Are you going to hide it better now?” Bellamy teased. “Are you going to put an alarm that goes off every time I touch it?”

Murphy ironically laughed. “Yeah, I’ll carry it with me forever” They laughed some more.

“No, I…” He began when the teasing and the laughter had stopped. “I got rid of it”

“You did?” Bellamy jumped and looked straight into Murphy’s eyes.

“What? You wanted to read it some more? To rip off the pages and hang them in your wall?” Murphy half teased, half scolded the guy.

“Oh, yeah” There was more laughter

“I don’t know” Murphy proceeded. “I’m hoping I won’t need it anymore”

Murphy threw a sad smile to Bellamy, remembering all those times he had ran away from moments like these and then feeling like he didn’t even deserve to find himself in them. He remembered what it felt like to be scared of what he might do to other people, to hurt them; afraid of himself. But maybe things could start to change. Maybe he could let them change.

He’d be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy how not hiding and not running away felt like. It was still new and scary, but mostly exciting. He wondered how many of those moments he could get if he could just let them come to him.

Bellamy didn’t return the sad, pity smile to Murphy. His was wider and warmer, filled with fondness and affection. Murphy could feel the air getting lighter.

“So” Murphy broke the moment. He’d still need to figure out how to let go of his sassy and defensive automatic responses. “What’s the plan for today? Anything interesting in mind?”

Bellamy raised an eyebrow and let his smirk appear on his face. “Oh, I can think of a few things”

“You can, huh?”

Bellamy gave him a quick nod.

“Okay, make a list and I’ll approve those ideas” He commented as he stood up. _He’d still need to figure out how to let go of his sassy and defensive automatic responses._ But he had a whole life to do it. A life he was deeply hoping he could spend with Bellamy by his side. Bellamy, who could read him better than anyone else, and whose sense of invading private property didn’t always bring chaos or destruction, but the complete opposite. And he was completely fine with the idea.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it. That just happened. Thank you all! You made my writting experience a little bit brighter.


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